Now What?

It's been over 2 years since my last blog post, but I needed to write and when I sat down, this is what came out.

Since long before I can truly remember, probably since the day I was born, I felt a strong connection to animals. I grew up surrounded by them and have made sure, as I became an adult, that I always had them in my life. I knew from an early age that I would never work at a job that didn't involve animals. Somehow, I just relate to them better. They don't find silence awkward. They have a level of empathy that no human can achieve. When they look into our eyes they see into our souls and understand us. They care, and feel, and grieve, and hurt deeper than a person could imagine. I have dedicated my life to helping animals in any way possible and have made a promise to always do what is right for them. And this is where the hardest part begins. Sometimes the best thing is to let them go. To say goodbye. They endure pain and sickness much better than us humans. They ignore it for as long as possible and try to continue on with life in spite of it. And as the beings with a voice, it is our job to make the hard decisions. We need to say when enough is enough. We need to not only help them but allow them... to move on. And it sucks. No matter how many times I go through it, I never learn to handle it better. I always make the decision that is best for the aniimal. The worst thing I could ever imagine is watching someone that I love suffer. And so I find the hardest decision to be the easiest one. Right up until the last breath, I handle it fine... and then I lose it. I lose the ability to function, whether for a couple of days, a month, a year, longer. I look alive, I go through the motions of seeming ok but inside and when I am alone, I fall apart.


I lost another one of my babies today. This time it was lymphoma. In our eyes, his battle wasn't terribly long. But he managed to keep it from us until we brought him in for a routine visit. Who knows just how long it has been in him. He was a part of the 30 cats that my life revolved around for the past 6 years. And he was one of the best. I love them all, but he was special. At the end of April, 29 of them moved to Texas and I hated saying goodbye to them. For the past few months I have not allowed myself to feel their loss. I have hidden from every emotion I was feeling. I didn't allow myself to look at their photos or think about them. It made it easier to pretend I was ok. Now that my one last baby has left, I can't keep myself from feeling it anymore. It feels like I lost all 30 of them today.




And now, besides having to say goodbye to these cats that have grown to be a huge part of my life, I have to decide where my life goes next. And I am at a loss. I always thought I was meant to do a lot of good in my life or at least accomplish something awesome. But I haven't yet and I don't know how to anymore. What do I do now? I know a new chapter needs to begin but what will that be? I know what I want but that doesn't seem like a viable option. So I need to choose a path, but there are none in front of me. I feel like if I take a step without being able to see exactly where I am headed, I will fall.

"Daniel Tiger"

6th Tetrahedral Number

The new year began exactly 20 minutes ago. Hello 2012! We actually stayed up until midnight... that never happens. Of course, we didn't actually watch anything that rang in the new year, instead my husband was watching an online show he likes and I was reading my last book of the year... and happily... I completed it.
My 56th and last book of the year was Crossed by Ally Condie. This is the second book in the Matched series. I loved Matched and could not wait for the second book to come out. Crossed was good but not as good as Matched. I love Condie's ideas and the way she writes them out, she is an excellent story teller. I find it very interesting and almost prophetic how she has created a future world that almost brings us back to how it was in the beginning... people have fallen so far into a tech based world that they no longer know how to write, and those that have decided to rebel and move out of the society have taught themselves how to write, draw and paint... on cave walls. I can't help to wonder if that is where our society is headed. Don't get me wrong... I love technology, I spend tons of time on my computer, my i-pod is a necessity and my nook is my new favorite toy... but there is nothing like holding a real printed book in your hands and there are times that I just feel like writing so badly that I grab a pen and journal and write down whatever I am thinking or lists just so I can feel the pen in my hand and the way it glides across the paper. Words are magical and being able to bring them to life on a piece of paper is even better. It just isn't the same when I type them out on a keyboard. It feels less personal. A handwritten letter holds love and thought, a typed letter is very cold and too professional (which is great if you are writing a letter to a business or congressman).
I'm very excited to start my books for 2012 and have decided to start off with a list of books in alphabetical order, I have already picked out a lot of the books I will be reading. I will also continue with my debut author each month and the remaining books will be free choice. I may not go all the way through the alphabet right away... I may take a break every now and then for a debut author or for a free choice book I just can't wait to read... so if it seems, at times, that I just don't know my ABC's... do not fear... I know them.

1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+9+10=?

The book I finished reading tonight brings my number for 2011 up to 55 which beats out last year. Of course there is still 5 days left before the end of the year so I should be able to bring my number up to 56. Fallen  by Lauren Kate seemed slow moving at first but I believe that was a result of loving the last book so much. I couldn't stop thinking about it at first. I was very close to giving up on Fallen but I held in there figuring my theory was correct... and it was. Once I managed to get my mind past Shattered Souls I was able to really get into Fallen. Once that happened, I didn't want to stop reading and even now I wish I were still reading it. Another story about fallen angels and again so much different from the others I have read this year. It seems that authors have a greater variation in theories regarding fallen angels then they do with most other paranormal creatures.

Rubik's

The next book brought me to a tie with last year's book count... number 54. Shattered Souls by Mary Lindsay was my debut author for December and was another book I could not put down and could not stop thinking about. Any story that contains past lives and destined love always captivates me and the paranormal aspects of this story made it even more interesting. I believe in past lives and I believe I have lived many. The idea that two souls continually meet up over centuries and centuries of lives and always fall in love... ahh so romantic. This book better come with a sequel or I will be very sad.

Iodine

Book number 53 was an actual print book that has been sitting on my shelves for at least 2 years. I have too many books and so not enough time to read them all... so as tempted as I am to keep downloading new books on my Nook and read them... I really have to start making a dent in my book shelves. hush, hush by Becca Fitzpatrick was a very very good book. I love novels about fallen angels... they are probably the most mysterious creatures in the paranormal genre. I cannot wait to continue reading this series.
As you can see I made it past 52 books this year.

Untouchable Number

I have fallen way behind on blogging my books. I now have 4 books to write about and have begun reading a 5th, that shouldn't take me too long to read. The first book I have to blog about is my 52nd book and I read it in under 24 hours. Revealers by Amanda Marrone was impossible to put down. I enjoyed every second of it. She brought all new theories to the idea of witch novels. I only wish she was planning a series based on the book. Knowing there would be no more was very upsetting.

14th Lucky Number

Finished reading another book in the Morganville series, Kiss of Death. This is probably one of  my favorite Morganville books, since the group is able to leave Morganville, it opens up a bunch of new possibilities for the story and the author took full advantage. Who knew these people would get themselves into so much trouble after leaving vampire central and entering the "real world". But boy did they. I can't wait to see what happens next because there is so much Rachel Caine can do with this.