Now What?

It's been over 2 years since my last blog post, but I needed to write and when I sat down, this is what came out.

Since long before I can truly remember, probably since the day I was born, I felt a strong connection to animals. I grew up surrounded by them and have made sure, as I became an adult, that I always had them in my life. I knew from an early age that I would never work at a job that didn't involve animals. Somehow, I just relate to them better. They don't find silence awkward. They have a level of empathy that no human can achieve. When they look into our eyes they see into our souls and understand us. They care, and feel, and grieve, and hurt deeper than a person could imagine. I have dedicated my life to helping animals in any way possible and have made a promise to always do what is right for them. And this is where the hardest part begins. Sometimes the best thing is to let them go. To say goodbye. They endure pain and sickness much better than us humans. They ignore it for as long as possible and try to continue on with life in spite of it. And as the beings with a voice, it is our job to make the hard decisions. We need to say when enough is enough. We need to not only help them but allow them... to move on. And it sucks. No matter how many times I go through it, I never learn to handle it better. I always make the decision that is best for the aniimal. The worst thing I could ever imagine is watching someone that I love suffer. And so I find the hardest decision to be the easiest one. Right up until the last breath, I handle it fine... and then I lose it. I lose the ability to function, whether for a couple of days, a month, a year, longer. I look alive, I go through the motions of seeming ok but inside and when I am alone, I fall apart.


I lost another one of my babies today. This time it was lymphoma. In our eyes, his battle wasn't terribly long. But he managed to keep it from us until we brought him in for a routine visit. Who knows just how long it has been in him. He was a part of the 30 cats that my life revolved around for the past 6 years. And he was one of the best. I love them all, but he was special. At the end of April, 29 of them moved to Texas and I hated saying goodbye to them. For the past few months I have not allowed myself to feel their loss. I have hidden from every emotion I was feeling. I didn't allow myself to look at their photos or think about them. It made it easier to pretend I was ok. Now that my one last baby has left, I can't keep myself from feeling it anymore. It feels like I lost all 30 of them today.




And now, besides having to say goodbye to these cats that have grown to be a huge part of my life, I have to decide where my life goes next. And I am at a loss. I always thought I was meant to do a lot of good in my life or at least accomplish something awesome. But I haven't yet and I don't know how to anymore. What do I do now? I know a new chapter needs to begin but what will that be? I know what I want but that doesn't seem like a viable option. So I need to choose a path, but there are none in front of me. I feel like if I take a step without being able to see exactly where I am headed, I will fall.

"Daniel Tiger"